The last couple of weeks have been tough. I was feeling more and more frustrated with our situation. We have had no news on the adoption front. We have responded to every recruitment email sent out and are not chosen each time. That amount of rejection would get to anyone, right?? Even harder, was that I was trying to keep all this inside and not share how frustrated I was. Most important to me in my life is being a good witness for God. I wanted to continue to show people how much we trusted in God's plan and I felt like if I admitted how frustrated and down I was, that I would be saying I didn't trust. But, I don't do well with keeping things inside. It was starting to boil over and frankly I was quite crabby!
What I realized this weekend, was that by trying to handle all this myself, I was doing the opposite of what God wants us to do. First and foremost we are to trust Him and hand over all our troubles and worries to Him. I was trying, I really was. But I was also not utilizing another gift, my friends. I am so blessed with the best friends a girl could ask for. I have them all over - at work, at home, at church. All I had to do was use them!! Finally, I did, and with that came the relief and peace I had been looking for.
No one had answers, but what they did have was ears to listen and suggestions for what I could do while I wait. And that was just what I needed.
So, I have begun researching other adoption agencies to find out what else is out there. Bethany has been fine, but it has been over a year with them and there is no change in sight. And while we do that, we will be refreshing our profile and book. Thanks to the photography skills and generosity of my friend Amanda, and with the help of several others, we will be having a little photo shoot next weekend.
We are also considering a couple of fundraisers. One is a definite - the puzzle. The puzzle piece has been a theme in our adoption, so we will choose a puzzle that matches our nursery. Then we will sell the pieces for $5. When you buy a piece, we put your name on it. Once the pieces are sold and puzzle is put together, we frame it in glass on both sizes to hang in the nursery.
We are also thinking of doing a golf tournament. Most of the fundraising we have done has been through my friends and myself. A golf tournament would let Mark and his friends play a part too. That one is still in the maybe stage.
So that's the update. As soon as I choose a puzzle, I will get that going. I am also looking for suggestions on agencies or attorneys to use.
I am also seeking (again) suggestions for a song for our online profile. It can't be a song that is copyrighted, so if you have any ideas, send them on!
Thank you for continuing to follow our journey and support us in body and mind and prayer.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Sunday, January 27, 2013
The rest of the story
Because I started this blog to document our story, I feel like I need to document the whole thing. I have been going back and forth about telling this last part. We did not share it while it was occurring to protect our friends and family from more pain. But now that it is in the past, albeit recent past, I feel like it is important to include it so that our story stays complete. No matter how it ends, I want to remember all of it.
My last blog ended with the birth mother changing her mind and deciding to parent the baby she had promised us for months. We spent an excruciatingly sad weekend just trying to heal and get through the days and nights. It was a long weekend, which was probably good. On Monday, I decided to be brave and tackle the nursery. Upon receiving the news the previous Friday, my sister and I went through the car and house and dumped all things baby-related into the room and shut the door. But on Monday morning, I was feeling a bit stronger and just wanted to get that part over with. I wanted the room cleaned up. We are right at the end of our year cycle with Bethany, which means we need to renew our paperwork and home study. I knew that I needed the house to look okay before our social worker came back to visit. As I cleaned and straightened, I came across a few things the birth mother had given us the month before. I texted the social worker to find out if they would be seeing the birth mother to return the things. She called me back and after a brief conversation, told me that the BM had changed her mind again. She wanted to follow through with the adoption.
Of course, this was news I had secretly hoped for, prayed for. But, we were as sure of this as we were of the initial signing over of rights - not sure at all. I called Mark and when he came home we discussed what we thought, how we felt, etc. We had a couple more conversations with our social worker and it was decided that we would meet with the birth mother later that week before she signed any papers to make sure everyone was on board and on the same page. So another two days had to pass with knots in our stomachs and just unease. We told no one, not wanting to get anyone's hopes up or drag their feelings through the mud if this didn't work out.
On Wednesday, an hour before we were set to meet with the BM, she began the backing out process again. Without going into detail, she first gave some elaborate excuses as to why she couldn't meet, which over the next two hours morphed into reasons she couldn't follow through on the adoption... again.
So, there we were, again. Hopes dashed. Just sad. I was sad. Mark was mad. Our social workers were beside themselves frustrated. But the general consensus that day, and in the days since, is that God was/is protecting us from something. We can only trust that this adoption failed because it wasn't meant to be. This birth mother did not want to give up rights to her child and as we got closer and closer to that happening, she just couldn't do it. I do feel angry sometimes. I think she is selfish. Her situation didn't change. She had people telling her she was a bad mother for giving him to a family. That infuriates me. But, in the end, it just wasn't meant to be, for whatever reason.
We are moving through the process to renew our paperwork and home study this week. And we will continue to pray that there is a baby for us. We don't know for sure there is, but we hope so.
My last blog ended with the birth mother changing her mind and deciding to parent the baby she had promised us for months. We spent an excruciatingly sad weekend just trying to heal and get through the days and nights. It was a long weekend, which was probably good. On Monday, I decided to be brave and tackle the nursery. Upon receiving the news the previous Friday, my sister and I went through the car and house and dumped all things baby-related into the room and shut the door. But on Monday morning, I was feeling a bit stronger and just wanted to get that part over with. I wanted the room cleaned up. We are right at the end of our year cycle with Bethany, which means we need to renew our paperwork and home study. I knew that I needed the house to look okay before our social worker came back to visit. As I cleaned and straightened, I came across a few things the birth mother had given us the month before. I texted the social worker to find out if they would be seeing the birth mother to return the things. She called me back and after a brief conversation, told me that the BM had changed her mind again. She wanted to follow through with the adoption.
Of course, this was news I had secretly hoped for, prayed for. But, we were as sure of this as we were of the initial signing over of rights - not sure at all. I called Mark and when he came home we discussed what we thought, how we felt, etc. We had a couple more conversations with our social worker and it was decided that we would meet with the birth mother later that week before she signed any papers to make sure everyone was on board and on the same page. So another two days had to pass with knots in our stomachs and just unease. We told no one, not wanting to get anyone's hopes up or drag their feelings through the mud if this didn't work out.
On Wednesday, an hour before we were set to meet with the BM, she began the backing out process again. Without going into detail, she first gave some elaborate excuses as to why she couldn't meet, which over the next two hours morphed into reasons she couldn't follow through on the adoption... again.
So, there we were, again. Hopes dashed. Just sad. I was sad. Mark was mad. Our social workers were beside themselves frustrated. But the general consensus that day, and in the days since, is that God was/is protecting us from something. We can only trust that this adoption failed because it wasn't meant to be. This birth mother did not want to give up rights to her child and as we got closer and closer to that happening, she just couldn't do it. I do feel angry sometimes. I think she is selfish. Her situation didn't change. She had people telling her she was a bad mother for giving him to a family. That infuriates me. But, in the end, it just wasn't meant to be, for whatever reason.
We are moving through the process to renew our paperwork and home study this week. And we will continue to pray that there is a baby for us. We don't know for sure there is, but we hope so.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Worst case scenario
Unfortunately, this is not the blog I had hoped to be posting. The last few days have been heartbreaking. Shortly after I finished my previous post, we got the call we had both dreaded for three months. Our birth mother had changed her mind and decided to parent. Naturally, we are devastated. To be so close, to hold a baby for two days, then to have it all go away, well, you can imagine the feelings. I have been sad, angry, frustrated, guilty, so many exhausting emotions. I don't want to be angry with her, I know the choice she made was difficult and I don't wish any ill will on her. However, I can't help but feel so betrayed. We trusted her, trusted that she would make the best decision for that little boy, not a selfish one to make herself feel better. She has told us so much over the last few months about how she can't afford anything, can barely afford the child care for her first son. So I just sit and wonder how she will afford this one. I am angry because I know what she took from him - a life so filled with love and parents who could afford to give him so much. But, I don't want to be angry, anger isn't going to change what happened. I just keep reminding myself that this wasn't our baby. I have no idea why we were allowed to get so close and then have it not work out. I just have to trust that it is the way it is supposed to be.
The next step? We move on. I know from the experience of my miscarriage that the feeling in the pit of my stomach will ease with time. We are already getting our paperwork in order to renew our home study. This week marks a year since we became "official" with Bethany, which means everything has to be renewed - our home study, our physicals, background checks, etc. And we wait again. So, if you know of anyone who knows someone who can't care for their baby, you know who's looking again.
The next step? We move on. I know from the experience of my miscarriage that the feeling in the pit of my stomach will ease with time. We are already getting our paperwork in order to renew our home study. This week marks a year since we became "official" with Bethany, which means everything has to be renewed - our home study, our physicals, background checks, etc. And we wait again. So, if you know of anyone who knows someone who can't care for their baby, you know who's looking again.
Friday, January 18, 2013
The morning of...
Today has the potential to the be the best day of our lives, the day we have waited for, worked towards, prayed for, hoped for... and it has the potential to absolutely heartbreaking. Right now, we are waiting for the phone call that our birth mother is ready to sign the papers relinquishing custody of her baby. I posted a blog several months ago when the realization hit me that our joy would be someone else's heartache, and we have witnessed this first hand the last two days.
On Wednesday, at 10:07am our precious little baby entered this world. It was not without some drama, either. Even through a c-section, he was not so easily brought into the world. The birth mother experienced a LOT of discomfort as nurses had to push him out of her and they had to use the "vacuum" to pull him out. He has a nice sized circular bruise on his head from that. But he finally joined us and I was so lucky to be able to watch the whole thing and be the first little finger he held. As they rolled him to the nursery, I watched them clean him up, check his stats, and I just stayed with him. My mom, sister, and husband watched through the glass. We all had the same feelings, so much joy, but still that little portion in our heads and hearts that is holding out.
The last two days have been extremely difficult. We sat in a room with a little bundle of joy, but knowing that nothing was certain. Our birth mother was open to friends and family visiting, but she was absolutely exhausted of course. I knew this, but it was so hard for us to leave the baby. We knew that every time we left, she was snuggling and loving him. That just scared the daylights out of us and broke my heart, both for her and for us. Yesterday, we had plans to stay up there as long as possible, until our social worker called me and said we needed to leave. She said that our birth mother was having a really difficult time, and while she wouldn't tell us how she felt, the social workers were speaking for her. It was all stuff I knew, but I cried. We packed our things up and headed out, knowing that if we saw him again, it would mean he was coming home with us.
So here we are, the morning of the day that could change everything for us. Mark is vacuuming, I am blogging, sister suggested some wine to calm the nerves :) I am pretty sure I should go for a run to work these nerves out. We have continued to have more love, support, and prayers coming our way that we could have ever imagined. I know this is repeating myself, but if you ever find yourself in the position where you are the recipients of so much support, you will be floored too. Our friends, coworkers, families, everyone has rallied around us throughout all of this journey. We know that God has a plan and His plan is perfect. We also know that He doesn't promise life will be easy or free of tribulations, only that He promises to be there with us through everything. So no matter what happens, we both know that it is for the best and there is a reason.
I also want to say this, watching our birth mother over the last two days has been so hard because she is not "giving up" this baby because she doesn't want him. There is no question in my mind how much she loves him and would love to keep him. She is making this decision in his best interests. So if she does change her mind, then I know he will be in a loving environment. It won't be with us, but I won't worry about him.
Hopefully the next blog I write will be describing the joy that the rest of this day brings us. Thank you all for supporting us!! WE LOVE YOU!
On Wednesday, at 10:07am our precious little baby entered this world. It was not without some drama, either. Even through a c-section, he was not so easily brought into the world. The birth mother experienced a LOT of discomfort as nurses had to push him out of her and they had to use the "vacuum" to pull him out. He has a nice sized circular bruise on his head from that. But he finally joined us and I was so lucky to be able to watch the whole thing and be the first little finger he held. As they rolled him to the nursery, I watched them clean him up, check his stats, and I just stayed with him. My mom, sister, and husband watched through the glass. We all had the same feelings, so much joy, but still that little portion in our heads and hearts that is holding out.
The last two days have been extremely difficult. We sat in a room with a little bundle of joy, but knowing that nothing was certain. Our birth mother was open to friends and family visiting, but she was absolutely exhausted of course. I knew this, but it was so hard for us to leave the baby. We knew that every time we left, she was snuggling and loving him. That just scared the daylights out of us and broke my heart, both for her and for us. Yesterday, we had plans to stay up there as long as possible, until our social worker called me and said we needed to leave. She said that our birth mother was having a really difficult time, and while she wouldn't tell us how she felt, the social workers were speaking for her. It was all stuff I knew, but I cried. We packed our things up and headed out, knowing that if we saw him again, it would mean he was coming home with us.
So here we are, the morning of the day that could change everything for us. Mark is vacuuming, I am blogging, sister suggested some wine to calm the nerves :) I am pretty sure I should go for a run to work these nerves out. We have continued to have more love, support, and prayers coming our way that we could have ever imagined. I know this is repeating myself, but if you ever find yourself in the position where you are the recipients of so much support, you will be floored too. Our friends, coworkers, families, everyone has rallied around us throughout all of this journey. We know that God has a plan and His plan is perfect. We also know that He doesn't promise life will be easy or free of tribulations, only that He promises to be there with us through everything. So no matter what happens, we both know that it is for the best and there is a reason.
I also want to say this, watching our birth mother over the last two days has been so hard because she is not "giving up" this baby because she doesn't want him. There is no question in my mind how much she loves him and would love to keep him. She is making this decision in his best interests. So if she does change her mind, then I know he will be in a loving environment. It won't be with us, but I won't worry about him.
Hopefully the next blog I write will be describing the joy that the rest of this day brings us. Thank you all for supporting us!! WE LOVE YOU!
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
He's almost here!
Well, we are truly in the "it's almost time" phase. We are what the week of Christmas is to Christmas Day! I have spent a couple of days last week and this week tying up ends with our social worker and our attorney. Many people have followed this because they are curious about the process as much as they care about us. So, I figured I would devote some time to telling you what has been going on the last couple of weeks.
Between the various holidays, we have been getting things ready for the baby. Our social worker has been in contact with us a couple of times a week to clear up some questions, make sure we are feeling good about the process, and just ease any stress we might be feeling. And here I use "we" but actually mean "me" :). I'm sure Mark is stressed in his own special way, but he doesn't show it!
Anyways, so I have talked with the social worker, our BM has talked with her social worker to make sure she is ready. And on that front things are good. She has asked us for some money to help support her after she has the baby, so she can take some time off to recover. We are happy to do this. It's going to be a difficult time for her, so anything we can do to ease that for her, we are willing. It just means we tighten the belt a little and take our parents up on their offerings if we have to. But I firmly believe at this point that God has and will continue to provide everything we need.
We have spoken with the attorney so that he could advise us of our "legal risk". Basically that means that he has to let us know what we are looking at legally where the birth father is concerned. In this case, he is not in the picture and is not aware of the adoption plan. So there is a registry that they have to check. Several years ago the courts set up this registry for men to put their names on. In the event that a guy has sex, he is considered "on notice" that he could be a father. So if he wants to have a legal claim, he must go on to this registry and put his name in. This moves the burden from the courts and the adoptive parents to the birth father. Basically if a guy wants to have any claim to a possible child, he needs to take responsibility to register himself. That's my understanding at least. Because there is no way the father will sign away his parental rights, this is the legal way to acquire them.
So, now, we continue to wait. We had a wonderful baby shower (and again we means me) last weekend and I have gotten everything put cleaned and put away. It's all coming together. While it still doesn't seem real, everyone tells me that is normal. It's just so weird to think that this time next week we could have a baby! So weird...
I'll do another post later with some details and pics from that awesome shower. Keep the prayers coming!
Between the various holidays, we have been getting things ready for the baby. Our social worker has been in contact with us a couple of times a week to clear up some questions, make sure we are feeling good about the process, and just ease any stress we might be feeling. And here I use "we" but actually mean "me" :). I'm sure Mark is stressed in his own special way, but he doesn't show it!
Anyways, so I have talked with the social worker, our BM has talked with her social worker to make sure she is ready. And on that front things are good. She has asked us for some money to help support her after she has the baby, so she can take some time off to recover. We are happy to do this. It's going to be a difficult time for her, so anything we can do to ease that for her, we are willing. It just means we tighten the belt a little and take our parents up on their offerings if we have to. But I firmly believe at this point that God has and will continue to provide everything we need.
We have spoken with the attorney so that he could advise us of our "legal risk". Basically that means that he has to let us know what we are looking at legally where the birth father is concerned. In this case, he is not in the picture and is not aware of the adoption plan. So there is a registry that they have to check. Several years ago the courts set up this registry for men to put their names on. In the event that a guy has sex, he is considered "on notice" that he could be a father. So if he wants to have a legal claim, he must go on to this registry and put his name in. This moves the burden from the courts and the adoptive parents to the birth father. Basically if a guy wants to have any claim to a possible child, he needs to take responsibility to register himself. That's my understanding at least. Because there is no way the father will sign away his parental rights, this is the legal way to acquire them.
So, now, we continue to wait. We had a wonderful baby shower (and again we means me) last weekend and I have gotten everything put cleaned and put away. It's all coming together. While it still doesn't seem real, everyone tells me that is normal. It's just so weird to think that this time next week we could have a baby! So weird...
I'll do another post later with some details and pics from that awesome shower. Keep the prayers coming!
Friday, December 21, 2012
Special prayers and thanks
People keep asking me if I am excited about how close we are getting. Generally, I give them the answer they want --yes. But truthfully, I can't say excited is the feeling. My best friend asked me how I was feeling and I said anxious. In response, she gave me all the mother-to-be anxiousness thoughts. But truthfully, none of those feelings have hit me yet. And talking to Mark, none of them have hit him either. Right now, we are are much more anxious about the reality of the situation we are in. Will it go through? Will the birth mother change her mind? In a month, will we be parents???
So many of our very best friends have been through the "normal" process to becoming parents. But we are travelling a different path. It is hard to say to your best friends, "I have no idea what you are talking about". But the truth is, we don't, and neither do they. Thankfully, we have such wonderful friends that they have all done everything they can to understand what we feel and what we are going through. And I thank God for that every day. Not everyone can say they have friends like we do. But, man, our friends, they are amazing.
But, for all those going through a non-traditional approach to starting a family -- it's non-traditional. We don't feel the normal parent-to-be anxiousness because we are not there yet. We are still in the "we hope this actually happens" phase. My worries include: will she follow through with this adoption? How will this relationship work after the baby is born? Will we be the parents she wants for her baby? How will we handle it if she changes her mind?
The last question seems pessimistic, but to me, it is realistic. At no point should I let that question go because I have to prepare my heart for that possibiltiy. Only God knows what is planned for that baby.
I recognize that every mother faces the fears of something going wrong. However, my fears are that something I will say or do might cause our birth mother to change her mind.
I know what good parents Mark and I would be. But it's not up to us.
I guess the end to this blog is a call to prayer. I ask for all my friends and family to pray that our birth mother makes the best decision for her and the baby, that the baby continues to grow and be healthy, and that we accept the plan that God has for us.
We love and appreciate all the prayers and support we have had through our journey. I know that all the mothers out there will recognize my desires and I hope will pray a special prayer for me. Thank you!! We love you all for accompanying us on this journey.
So many of our very best friends have been through the "normal" process to becoming parents. But we are travelling a different path. It is hard to say to your best friends, "I have no idea what you are talking about". But the truth is, we don't, and neither do they. Thankfully, we have such wonderful friends that they have all done everything they can to understand what we feel and what we are going through. And I thank God for that every day. Not everyone can say they have friends like we do. But, man, our friends, they are amazing.
But, for all those going through a non-traditional approach to starting a family -- it's non-traditional. We don't feel the normal parent-to-be anxiousness because we are not there yet. We are still in the "we hope this actually happens" phase. My worries include: will she follow through with this adoption? How will this relationship work after the baby is born? Will we be the parents she wants for her baby? How will we handle it if she changes her mind?
The last question seems pessimistic, but to me, it is realistic. At no point should I let that question go because I have to prepare my heart for that possibiltiy. Only God knows what is planned for that baby.
I recognize that every mother faces the fears of something going wrong. However, my fears are that something I will say or do might cause our birth mother to change her mind.
I know what good parents Mark and I would be. But it's not up to us.
I guess the end to this blog is a call to prayer. I ask for all my friends and family to pray that our birth mother makes the best decision for her and the baby, that the baby continues to grow and be healthy, and that we accept the plan that God has for us.
We love and appreciate all the prayers and support we have had through our journey. I know that all the mothers out there will recognize my desires and I hope will pray a special prayer for me. Thank you!! We love you all for accompanying us on this journey.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Ultrasounds, registering, there's a baby coming!
Wow!! The last couple of weeks have been incredibly busy. I finished grad school (still waiting on one grade to make it official) and will be graduating in a week. YIPPEE! That relief has been amazing. On top of that we have had some fun baby things happen. We got to see an ultrasound of Baby Jax a couple of weeks ago. It was absolutely amazing, seeing our little guy right there on the screen. He is weighing in at 5 lbs 4 oz right now and they expect him to be over 8 lbs when he is born. I like a big baby :-)
Earlier this week I went and registered at Babies 'R' Us and holy cow. First of all, it took 3 hours to complete the registering process. I had no idea it would be so involved, but with the help of Melissa and her list, I got over 200 things on that registry. We scanned everything from bottles to cups to diapers to a jogging stroller, you name it, I think I registered for it! I was just looking over the registry again tonight and making some adjustments.
At this point, I think we are both excited but still a little ... I don't know the word. We know he's coming, we have prepared the room, our families, our hearts, but it's very surreal. We have spent over 12 years together, just the two of us and our little fur babies. And one day in January, BAM, there will be a little person in our lives -- forever! People keep telling me you just can't be ready, no matter what you think and I hope that's right. We are as ready as we can be and God has done so many things in my heart to get me ready for this. I notice little changes in myself all the time now that I NEVER thought would happen! We have always been the go getters, the "let's go out and have fun" people and I just couldn't imagine that changing. But lately I have thought how fun it will be to spend some weekends right here with just us. My friend Heather said to me the other day that I was the only person she knew of that had to have a baby to slow down :-) Probably the truest statement yet!
So, we are enjoying this time of year, the decorations, the parties, the friends and family... and we are enjoying our last year as a two person family.
On another note, my friend April is expecting her baby in March! She got matched up with a birth mother last month also and they are really excited. In January, we will be helping her to raise money for her adoption costs. We are so familiar with the stress and worry that comes along with preparing for an adoption. And our friends and families were so supportive of us and we hope to do the same for someone else. She has started blogging to share her story and when it is up and running I"ll link to her page. She has a story to tell and we hope and pray it has a happy beginning!! Be on the lookout for that and I'll try to be more diligent about my blogging now that I have some time. I do plan to keep blogging once Jax is here for those who like to get a glimpse into the lives of others!!
Earlier this week I went and registered at Babies 'R' Us and holy cow. First of all, it took 3 hours to complete the registering process. I had no idea it would be so involved, but with the help of Melissa and her list, I got over 200 things on that registry. We scanned everything from bottles to cups to diapers to a jogging stroller, you name it, I think I registered for it! I was just looking over the registry again tonight and making some adjustments.
At this point, I think we are both excited but still a little ... I don't know the word. We know he's coming, we have prepared the room, our families, our hearts, but it's very surreal. We have spent over 12 years together, just the two of us and our little fur babies. And one day in January, BAM, there will be a little person in our lives -- forever! People keep telling me you just can't be ready, no matter what you think and I hope that's right. We are as ready as we can be and God has done so many things in my heart to get me ready for this. I notice little changes in myself all the time now that I NEVER thought would happen! We have always been the go getters, the "let's go out and have fun" people and I just couldn't imagine that changing. But lately I have thought how fun it will be to spend some weekends right here with just us. My friend Heather said to me the other day that I was the only person she knew of that had to have a baby to slow down :-) Probably the truest statement yet!
So, we are enjoying this time of year, the decorations, the parties, the friends and family... and we are enjoying our last year as a two person family.
On another note, my friend April is expecting her baby in March! She got matched up with a birth mother last month also and they are really excited. In January, we will be helping her to raise money for her adoption costs. We are so familiar with the stress and worry that comes along with preparing for an adoption. And our friends and families were so supportive of us and we hope to do the same for someone else. She has started blogging to share her story and when it is up and running I"ll link to her page. She has a story to tell and we hope and pray it has a happy beginning!! Be on the lookout for that and I'll try to be more diligent about my blogging now that I have some time. I do plan to keep blogging once Jax is here for those who like to get a glimpse into the lives of others!!
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