Through the months since we decided to pursue adoption I have shared our story with countless people in all different parts of our lives. I have told family, friends, strangers. And there is a common thread that I would like to address and get rid of!! Whenever I tell people that path that has led us to this point, the years of infertility, the money, the time, the surgeries, then I share that we are adopting, people feel compelled to share their stories of friends who have adopted then miraculously gotten pregnant. While I know that people want to be encouraging and hopeful, this always strikes me as the opposite. So I thought I should put my feelings out there.
We have chosen to adopt for 2 reasons: 1- I have always wanted to adopt and bring a child in our home who needed one; and 2- we were ready to start a family that my body wasn't on board with. Our decision to adopt wasn't our second choice or our back-up plan. It has always been something we wanted to do. We are not adopting because we can't have our own children, we are adopting because that's what we feel led to do. The infertility simply moved up our timeline.
I know that people's compassion compels them to "make me feel better" about my inability to conceive, but let me assure you, I don't feel bad! I feel wonderful. I feel excited. I feel so many awesome things about our future baby, and none of them have anything to do with the baby not being mine. I am worried about the same things I assume most expectant mothers are: how will the baby like us, will he/she cry too much, will mark and I still like each other when this is done, and so many others.
So I write this not to make people feel bad, but to let you know that when you hear the stories of families who choose to adopt, remember that they (we) are just as excited as a family who chooses to have a baby the old fashioned way. You don't go around telling those people stories of families who have adopted! Just be happy, encouraging, and excited about the adoption and don't feel that we need reassurance that we might have a baby of our own. This will be our own baby. I don't hope for, pray for, or have a secret desire for my own child. I am just so excited about the baby some woman will bring into our lives and complete our family.
You know, I have a very similar story. I think people mean well. They just don't know any better. Having adopted transracially, I still deal with ignorant comments (Is he/she yours? How much did he/she cost? Where's her real mother? Are they brother and sister? The list goes on....) A friend even tried to dissuade me from having a hysterectomy, thinking I should have "faith" for a biological child. They just don't get it. I don't ever, for a minute, think that I have missed anything. I always wanted to adopt and I believe it was a God-given desire and sometimes He uses infertility to bring about His perfect will. God has blessed me beyond anything I could have ever hoped for. I am excited for you as you get closer to becoming a family of three. God has chosen a child for you before the beginning of time, and it will NOT be His second best....
ReplyDeleteJill - that was beautifully said!
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