The rest of the story

Because I started this blog to document our story, I feel like I need to document the whole thing.  I have been going back and forth about telling this last part.  We did not share it while it was occurring to protect our friends and family from more pain.  But now that it is in the past, albeit recent past, I feel like it is important to include it so that our story stays complete.  No matter how it ends, I want to remember all of it.
     My last blog ended with the birth mother changing her mind and deciding to parent the baby she had promised us for months.  We spent an excruciatingly sad weekend just trying to heal and get through the days and nights.  It was a long weekend, which was probably good.  On Monday, I decided to be brave and tackle the nursery.  Upon receiving the news the previous Friday, my sister and I went through the car and house and dumped all things baby-related into the room and shut the door.  But on Monday morning, I was feeling a bit stronger and just wanted to get that part over with.  I wanted the room cleaned up.  We are right at the end of our year cycle with Bethany, which means we need to renew our paperwork and home study.  I knew that I needed the house to look okay before our social worker came back to visit.  As I cleaned and straightened, I came across a few things the birth mother had given us the month before.  I texted the social worker to find out if they would be seeing the birth mother to return the things.  She called me back and after a brief conversation, told me that the BM had changed her mind again.  She wanted to follow through with the adoption.
     Of course, this was news I had secretly hoped for, prayed for.  But, we were as sure of this as we were of the initial signing over of rights - not sure at all.  I called Mark and when he came home we discussed what we thought, how we felt, etc.  We had a couple more conversations with our social worker and it was decided that we would meet with the birth mother later that week before she signed any papers to make sure everyone was on board and on the same page.  So another two days had to pass with knots in our stomachs and just unease.  We told no one, not wanting to get anyone's hopes up or drag their feelings through the mud if this didn't work out.
     On Wednesday, an hour before we were set to meet with the BM, she began the backing out process again.  Without going into detail, she first gave some elaborate excuses as to why she couldn't meet, which over the next two hours morphed into reasons she couldn't follow through on the adoption... again.
     So, there we were, again.  Hopes dashed.  Just sad.  I was sad.  Mark was mad.  Our social workers were beside themselves frustrated.  But the general consensus that day, and in the days since, is that God was/is protecting us from something.  We can only trust that this adoption failed because it wasn't meant to be.  This birth mother did not want to give up rights to her child and as we got closer and closer to that happening, she just couldn't do it.  I do feel angry sometimes.  I think she is selfish.  Her situation didn't change.  She had people telling her she was a bad mother for giving him to a family.  That infuriates me.  But, in the end, it just wasn't meant to be, for whatever reason.
     We are moving through the process to renew our paperwork and home study this week.  And we will continue to pray that there is a baby for us.  We don't know for sure there is, but we hope so.

Worst case scenario

Unfortunately, this is not the blog I had hoped to be posting.  The last few days have been heartbreaking.  Shortly after I finished my previous post, we got the call we had both dreaded for three months.  Our birth mother had changed her mind and decided to parent.  Naturally, we are devastated.  To be so close, to hold a baby for two days, then to have it all go away, well, you can imagine the feelings.  I have been sad, angry, frustrated, guilty, so many exhausting emotions.  I don't want to be angry with her, I know the choice she made was difficult and I don't wish any ill will on her.  However, I can't help but feel so betrayed.  We trusted her, trusted that she would make the best decision for that little boy, not a selfish one to make herself feel better.  She has told us so much over the last few months about how she can't afford anything, can barely afford the child care for her first son.  So I just sit and wonder how she will afford this one.  I am angry because I know what she took from him - a life so filled with love and parents who could afford to give him so much.  But, I don't want to be angry, anger isn't going to change what happened.  I just keep reminding myself that this wasn't our baby.  I have no idea why we were allowed to get so close and then have it not work out.  I just have to trust that it is the way it is supposed to be.
The next step? We move on.  I know from the experience of my miscarriage that the feeling in the pit of my stomach will ease with time.  We are already getting our paperwork in order to renew our home study.  This week marks a year since we became "official" with Bethany, which means everything has to be renewed - our home study, our physicals, background checks, etc.  And we wait again.  So, if you know of anyone who knows someone who can't care for their baby, you know who's looking again.

The morning of...

Today has the potential to the be the best day of our lives, the day we have waited for, worked towards, prayed for, hoped for... and it has the potential to absolutely heartbreaking.  Right now, we are waiting for the phone call that our birth mother is ready to sign the papers relinquishing custody of her baby.  I posted a blog several months ago when the realization hit me that our joy would be someone else's heartache, and we have witnessed this first hand the last two days.
On Wednesday, at 10:07am our precious little baby entered this world.  It was not without some drama, either.  Even through a c-section, he was not so easily brought into the world.  The birth mother experienced a LOT of discomfort as nurses had to push him out of her and they had to use the "vacuum" to pull him out.  He has a nice sized circular bruise on his head from that.  But he finally joined us and I was so lucky to be able to watch the whole thing and be the first little finger he held.  As they rolled him to the nursery, I watched them clean him up, check his stats, and I just stayed with him.  My mom, sister, and husband watched through the glass.  We all had the same feelings, so much joy, but still that little portion in our heads and hearts that is holding out.
The last two days have been extremely difficult.  We sat in a room with a little bundle of joy, but knowing that nothing was certain.  Our birth mother was open to friends and family visiting, but she was absolutely exhausted of course.  I knew this, but it was so hard for us to leave the baby.  We knew that every time we left, she was snuggling and loving him.  That just scared the daylights out of us and broke my heart, both for her and for us.  Yesterday, we had plans to stay up there as long as possible, until our social worker called me and said we needed to leave.  She said that our birth mother was having a really difficult time, and while she wouldn't tell us how she felt, the social workers were speaking for her.  It was all stuff I knew, but I cried.  We packed our things up and headed out, knowing that if we saw him again, it would mean he was coming home with us.
So here we are, the morning of the day that could change everything for us.  Mark is vacuuming, I am blogging, sister suggested some wine to calm the nerves :) I am pretty sure I should go for a run to work these nerves out.  We have continued to have more love, support, and prayers coming our way that we could have ever imagined.  I know this is repeating myself, but if you ever find yourself in the position where you are the recipients of so much support, you will be floored too.  Our friends, coworkers, families, everyone has rallied around us throughout all of this journey.  We know that God has a plan and His plan is perfect.  We also know that He doesn't promise life will be easy or free of tribulations, only that He promises to be there with us through everything.  So no matter what happens, we both know that it is for the best and there is a reason.
I also want to say this, watching our birth mother over the last two days has been so hard because she is not "giving up" this baby because she doesn't want him.  There is no question in my mind how much she loves him and would love to keep him.  She is making this decision in his best interests.  So if she does change her mind, then I know he will be in a loving environment.  It won't be with us, but I won't worry about him.
Hopefully the next blog I write will be describing the joy that the rest of this day brings us.  Thank you all for supporting us!! WE LOVE YOU!

He's almost here!

Well, we are truly in the "it's almost time" phase.  We are what the week of Christmas is to Christmas Day! I have spent a couple of days last week and this week tying up ends with our social worker and our attorney.  Many people have followed this because they are curious about the process as much as they care about us.  So, I figured I would devote some time to telling you what has been going on the last couple of weeks.
Between the various holidays, we have been getting things ready for the baby.  Our social worker has been in contact with us a couple of times a week to clear up some questions, make sure we are feeling good about the process, and just ease any stress we might be feeling.  And here I use "we" but actually mean "me" :).  I'm sure Mark is stressed in his own special way, but he doesn't show it!
Anyways, so I have talked with the social worker, our BM has talked with her social worker to make sure she is ready.  And on that front things are good.  She has asked us for some money to help support her after she has the baby, so she can take some time off to recover.  We are happy to do this.  It's going to be a difficult time for her, so anything we can do to ease that for her, we are willing.  It just means we tighten the belt a little and take our parents up on their offerings if we have to.  But I firmly believe at this point that God has and will continue to provide everything we need.
We have spoken with the attorney so that he could advise us of our "legal risk".  Basically that means that he has to let us know what we are looking at legally where the birth father is concerned.  In this case, he is not in the picture and is not aware of the adoption plan.  So there is a registry that they have to check.  Several years ago the courts set up this registry for men to put their names on.  In the event that a guy has sex, he is considered "on notice" that he could be a father.  So if he wants to have a legal claim, he must go on to this registry and put his name in.  This moves the burden from the courts and the adoptive parents to the birth father.  Basically if a guy wants to have any claim to a possible child, he needs to take responsibility to register himself.  That's my understanding at least. Because there is no way the father will sign away his parental rights, this is the legal way to acquire them.
So, now, we continue to wait.  We had a wonderful baby shower (and again we means me) last weekend and I have gotten everything put cleaned and put away.  It's all coming together.  While it still doesn't seem real, everyone tells me that is normal.  It's just so weird to think that this time next week we could have a baby! So weird...
I'll do another post later with some details and pics from that awesome shower.  Keep the prayers coming!