Worst case scenario

Unfortunately, this is not the blog I had hoped to be posting.  The last few days have been heartbreaking.  Shortly after I finished my previous post, we got the call we had both dreaded for three months.  Our birth mother had changed her mind and decided to parent.  Naturally, we are devastated.  To be so close, to hold a baby for two days, then to have it all go away, well, you can imagine the feelings.  I have been sad, angry, frustrated, guilty, so many exhausting emotions.  I don't want to be angry with her, I know the choice she made was difficult and I don't wish any ill will on her.  However, I can't help but feel so betrayed.  We trusted her, trusted that she would make the best decision for that little boy, not a selfish one to make herself feel better.  She has told us so much over the last few months about how she can't afford anything, can barely afford the child care for her first son.  So I just sit and wonder how she will afford this one.  I am angry because I know what she took from him - a life so filled with love and parents who could afford to give him so much.  But, I don't want to be angry, anger isn't going to change what happened.  I just keep reminding myself that this wasn't our baby.  I have no idea why we were allowed to get so close and then have it not work out.  I just have to trust that it is the way it is supposed to be.
The next step? We move on.  I know from the experience of my miscarriage that the feeling in the pit of my stomach will ease with time.  We are already getting our paperwork in order to renew our home study.  This week marks a year since we became "official" with Bethany, which means everything has to be renewed - our home study, our physicals, background checks, etc.  And we wait again.  So, if you know of anyone who knows someone who can't care for their baby, you know who's looking again.