Because I started this blog to document our story, I feel like I need to document the whole thing. I have been going back and forth about telling this last part. We did not share it while it was occurring to protect our friends and family from more pain. But now that it is in the past, albeit recent past, I feel like it is important to include it so that our story stays complete. No matter how it ends, I want to remember all of it.
My last blog ended with the birth mother changing her mind and deciding to parent the baby she had promised us for months. We spent an excruciatingly sad weekend just trying to heal and get through the days and nights. It was a long weekend, which was probably good. On Monday, I decided to be brave and tackle the nursery. Upon receiving the news the previous Friday, my sister and I went through the car and house and dumped all things baby-related into the room and shut the door. But on Monday morning, I was feeling a bit stronger and just wanted to get that part over with. I wanted the room cleaned up. We are right at the end of our year cycle with Bethany, which means we need to renew our paperwork and home study. I knew that I needed the house to look okay before our social worker came back to visit. As I cleaned and straightened, I came across a few things the birth mother had given us the month before. I texted the social worker to find out if they would be seeing the birth mother to return the things. She called me back and after a brief conversation, told me that the BM had changed her mind again. She wanted to follow through with the adoption.
Of course, this was news I had secretly hoped for, prayed for. But, we were as sure of this as we were of the initial signing over of rights - not sure at all. I called Mark and when he came home we discussed what we thought, how we felt, etc. We had a couple more conversations with our social worker and it was decided that we would meet with the birth mother later that week before she signed any papers to make sure everyone was on board and on the same page. So another two days had to pass with knots in our stomachs and just unease. We told no one, not wanting to get anyone's hopes up or drag their feelings through the mud if this didn't work out.
On Wednesday, an hour before we were set to meet with the BM, she began the backing out process again. Without going into detail, she first gave some elaborate excuses as to why she couldn't meet, which over the next two hours morphed into reasons she couldn't follow through on the adoption... again.
So, there we were, again. Hopes dashed. Just sad. I was sad. Mark was mad. Our social workers were beside themselves frustrated. But the general consensus that day, and in the days since, is that God was/is protecting us from something. We can only trust that this adoption failed because it wasn't meant to be. This birth mother did not want to give up rights to her child and as we got closer and closer to that happening, she just couldn't do it. I do feel angry sometimes. I think she is selfish. Her situation didn't change. She had people telling her she was a bad mother for giving him to a family. That infuriates me. But, in the end, it just wasn't meant to be, for whatever reason.
We are moving through the process to renew our paperwork and home study this week. And we will continue to pray that there is a baby for us. We don't know for sure there is, but we hope so.
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